McDonald's: Tomato McGrand in Japan

Japanese Ronald McDonald has a hot daughter.

Today we're looking at an ad for the Tomato McGrand, a sandwich released in Japan in — well, no one really cares about that. There's lots of sex appeal here, because a sexy body is what you naturally think about when you think of a regular fast food consumer.

The real questions here are when did Ronald McDonald get a daughter and how does she look like that if she routinely eats at her father's establishments?

Another set of questions: If this is a Japanese only ad, then why is she white? Does this mean Ronald McDonald lacks an Asian fetish?

How will this affect the stock values of companies that deal exclusively in the lucrative "Asian Clown Girl" pornography niche market? Should I sell off my shares before this revelation potentially crashes the market?

Okay, maybe that's enough questions for now.

Eating at McDonald's makes you skinny.

Some of the questions asked really can't be answered — and probably shouldn't have been brought up in the first place — but there is one that can be examined. Why is that woman so thin?

Well, the ad does go for sex appeal, and "fatties" — i.e. those not underweight — don't meet the Western mainstream standard of beauty. I know nothing about beauty standards in Japan, but I'd be willing to take a wild guess and say that if theirs were different before, their media mainstream has worked hard to erode those standards and replace them with ours.

Besides that, Ronald McDonald having a daughter that looks like she has an eating disorder shows us how all those "fast food is going to murder your heart and turn you into an amorphous blob" naysayers are wrong.

She eats at McDonald's every day and looks like this, says the ad. The same could be true for you!

Seems legit, right?

Doritos: Valet

Doritos: They raise your car insurance premium.

On YouTube the official description of this video from Doritos is:

"What happens when you bite into a bag of bold? Something crunchy and unexpected."

If by "crunchy and unexpected" the ad meant "tempt three people, including a sworn defender of the law, into committing a felony," it certainly delivered.

Just one more Dorito.

So we have a young man with his whole life ahead of him. He's keeping his head down, and he's working. He may have a bright future ahead of him. All of that changes when he tries Doritos.

Now he's stolen a car and is speeding through busy public streets without a care for anyone that he could hurt. All his work, all his time spent at community college to pull himself up from poverty, all of that is forgotten once he's had a taste of the Doritos.

All that matters now is the pursuit of more Doritos. He has to keep the high going.

And he's not alone. Others fall victim to the same trap and end up in the same boat — or car in this case — including a police officer. It just goes to show that when Doritos are concerned, anyone can be affected.

Sound familiar? Perhaps like a metaphor for something?

If you're not a Breaking Bad fan, the blue stuff falling at the end is meth.

Doritos are bad, m'kay.

"Hey, let's make an ad comparing our product to a life-destroying, illegal drug," said one Frito-Lay employee.

"Let's show an example of how Dorito use will lead consumers inevitably to ruin!" said another.

"Great ideas, everyone. I brought in a copy of the horribly depressing drug addiction tale Requiem for a Dream so we can watch it for ideas. I especially think the ending has a lot of material we can use," said the project manager.

I'm assuming that's how the planning meeting for this ad went. It boggles my mind that someone thought this was a good idea. 

Maybe they all had a few too many Doritos before that meeting.

Miller Lite: Ken Jeong

It's Ken Jeong! Wait, who?

Ah, a good ole celebrity endorsement  — at least I assume that is what this is meant to be because I had no idea whom Ken Jeong was before this ad. For those who don't know Mr. Jeong, he is, as he put it, "That guy from that thing."

I guess either I'm just hopelessly out of touch with kids these days, or Miller Lite couldn't find anyone more recognizable. 

Celebrity not included.

So anyway, the ad asks us to consider the following question: What would your drinking experience be like if you had an obnoxious celebrity following you around?

I think Miller Lite may be on to something here but not in the way they intended. The ad seems to think that the experience would be "super fly" or "totally radical" — or whatever the young folk say nowadays — but after a couple seconds I was just wishing they would put their pet celebrity back in the box. 

If I was stuck with Mr. Jeong for an extended period of time I probably would take up drinking just to throw my consciousness into the blessed relief of oblivion. In that way, yeah, I could see how this hypothetical scenario could increase alcohol sales. Well played, Miller Lite. Too bad for you I can't stand beer.

Rent-A-Minority.

Besides the obnoxiousness of their spokesman, something else about this ad bothered me. Look at how the group just carts out a minority to be seen with them in public. Look at how just as quickly as they pulled him out, they throw him aside once they are free to be who they are in the dark. 

This isn't a straight case of it's-cool-my-friends-are-black syndrome as Mr. Jeong is Asian, but the principle still stands. It is also an unusual case of the token minority because another minority seems to be in on the scheme. 

I wonder if the black group member was put back in his box too once the ad ended.